Today I let go of something really special to me. Someone actually. Technically they let go of me, but I accepted their choice and in turn let it go. Love and dating is hard. Especially when you are starting over. It hurts. It’s risky. And it’s brave. It’s brave to try again. Knowing that it will likely fail. And it will definitely hurt when it does.

But as my best friend reminded me of advice I had given her in the past.

“You will be sad. Then you will pick yourself up. And you will carry on.”

So here I am. Picking myself up. And carrying on.

I haven’t posted for a while. This is a reason to write. I started writing this blog to help anyone else who might be going through the same things as me, and in doing so hoping I might heal myself. I don’t know if I help others, but it does help me. ‘Picking myself up’ is writing. Reflecting, processing and learning.

What I have learned is the importance of conscious choices. The person I lost was not conventional and neither was our connection. I liked that about them. They just appeared in my life overnight and before I knew it we were in the middle of something. Both drawn in and enjoying something that was so fun and easy, at first. What it wasn’t though was a conscious decision. It was a reaction to something that felt good, that I ran with and tried to make fit.

I’ve realised that relationships often play out based on their beginnings. You can be quick to follow something sparked by a connection. I’ve read a lot about the danger of ‘Connection’. It’s highly alluring, not always enduring. Certainly, in my experience the moment that miscommunication sets in, the connection breaks and a void can open up. And it can be really hard to get back to where you were. The question is ‘was where you were right’?

I came into 2018 promising myself that I would live with intention. And here I was very much not living with intention. I was holding onto a connection that sprung from an unconscious decision. Something that had started off so well, turned into something complicated and challenging almost as quickly as it began. And I wasn’t sure how. Cue a lot of analysis, second guessing, and eventually, ‘the chat’.

Perspective when you are out and on the other side though is a wonderful thing. And here on the other side I can see that the signs were there all along. A shared interest or two. A connection, of course. But a lot of differences. And a lot of things we didn’t know or want to see about each other. Things that really didn’t align. Things that no amount of connection could make up for.

That’s the thing about Connection. It speeds things up. Doesn’t give you the chance to check things out or check-in with yourself. And while I’m a serious advocate of IRL (in real life) over online dating (the Tinder back catalogue is for another time) chasing Connection is a real thing, exacerbated by an IRL meeting. The lure of fate is intoxicating. “We both happened to be there at that time, it must be meant to be”. ‘Meant to be’ can be as bad as the connection itself. It becomes your story and stories become part of you. To let go of a part of yourself is painful. And we shy away from pain. So, you stick at something, the romance of the pain keeping you there, connected to the other person. And, so it plays out.

How do you stop yourself from getting carried away by connection and become more conscious?

I’m not sure I have the practical answer. What I do know is that it starts with a commitment to living with intention, supported by self-awareness. Being aware, you can then observe yourself and the decisions you are making. Asking “Is this a conscious decision?”. “Do I have all the information I need right now to make this decision?”. Easier said than done though when Connection is staring at you across the dancefloor. It’s definitely a case of practice and of self-compassion. Going easy on yourself when you get caught up, forgetting to stop and check-in first. I’m sure it will happen again and Connection will once more catch me out, but I will carry on reminded of my New Year’s intention and comforted that I am now more aware.

So, while I am sad that something I invested in didn’t work out, I’m grateful for the lessons learned and the memories we made. I’m lucky that I get the chance to carry on, wiser in the awareness that the next time I meet someone, taking my time to consciously choose them over following a connection could be setting us up for more success.