Tonight I am feeling the impossible-to-ignore urge to write. Like my life depends on it. Because it kind of does. Writing comes easy. Words just fall out of me. Insights unfold. There is no forcing. I don’t rock up to the page with a plan. The words appear and the lines take care of […]
A long long time
It has been years. Since we last spoke. We spent time in the same place. We held each other. Last night though, we were together in a dream. I still feel you with me. Today I sit in a cafe and then there you are again. In the form of a song. Yesterday on film. […]
You were the only one
You were the only one I ever got mad enough at to care You were the only one who put me in my place You were the only one who ever hurt me that much You were the only one I wanted to wish me happy birthday You were the only one I cared about […]
On this day, I honour you
Tonight, I sit on a balcony in Berlin. The air is warm, the tree-lined view peaceful and the buzz from the street floats all around me. This is where I now live. This is my new life. I find it hard to believe that a year ago to the day I was moving out of […]
New milestone, new heartbreak
Today we started proceedings. It was a simple enough action required on my part. To find our marriage certificate, scan and send it to my ex. A standard piece of admin. The kind of task you complete every day, in your day to day life. How can something so small feel so big? I think […]
Fireside lessons at New Year
The last two New Years have been spent in the warmth, on a beach. I’ve watched the sun set on the old year and rise on the new. Reflected on the year that’s passed, planned the year ahead, while spending the first day of the new annum in silence. It’s become a special time, at […]
When the tears come
I’ve spent the last couple of years avoiding sad thoughts. Hiding from a pain that I’ve masked with a cheery smile and a distant gaze. Looking ahead, optimistically pushing on through. Denying the feelings beneath. Answering “fine”, every time, to those who enquire. It’s a behaviour I learnt growing up. We didn’t admit our feelings […]
In recovery
Tonight, I attended my first recovery meeting. I need to recognise the milestone. I hope that there is a place in the future from which I will look back on this moment. It was a strange experience and I reacted in a way that surprised myself. I’m used to the format of meetups like this. […]
Fear is a compass
How quickly we become comfortable and safe. Just a month ago I was travelling around the Balkans, regularly turning up to bus stations with no idea of which country I was headed for, let alone where I would be staying that night. Fast forward a few weeks and I find myself in Germany lamenting over […]
Time for a new plan
A few days ago I shut up shop. Packed up everything I own. Moved out of my flat. Quit my job. Booked a flight. And left the country. With nothing (other than family & friends) to return to. It doesn’t seem like that big a deal these days. To leave everything behind and flee to […]