Tonight, I attended my first recovery meeting. I need to recognise the milestone. I hope that there is a place in the future from which I will look back on this moment. It was a strange experience and I reacted in a way that surprised myself.
I’m used to the format of meetups like this. Turn up, someone reads some stimulus, people share their thoughts, we all go home. But tonight, was different. Tonight was about recovery. It was about moving from “Do I need to recover?”, “Do I belong in recovery?” to “I belong here”, “I am in recovery”.
I was reticent to go because of the commitment to recovery. A pledge to something permanent. I choose to take recovery seriously. I respect others who are in recovery. Therefore, if I am to enter into recovery, this is serious and long-term, i.e. forever. And forever is a long time.
My therapist said the meetings would help. She said if I did the work, I would make quicker progress. ‘The work’, to be clear, is reading about recovery, attending meetings and working a 12-step programme. It all sounds so serious. Because it is serious. I’m still clearly struggling to take it seriously.
And this is because I’m in denial.
I’m in recovery.
How has this happened? This is something that happens to people who are ill. People who are really messed up. Right? No. it isn’t. It happens to people who choose to get well, who choose to step up and move out of a situation that is no longer working for them.
And tonight, I found some answers. I was among people who shared my challenges.
I heard myself in their voices. I recognised my behaviours in their experiences.
There was no escaping the obvious as each person shared their story. I was in the right place. And it was a safe space, one where I could share my truth. Yet when it came to share, I couldn’t express all I wanted.
There was so much falling into place, so many revelations, that I could only express appreciation for what I had heard and how much it made sense. Me, the girl who always had something to say, cut herself off. I heard myself say “And that’s all I want to say for now”. Where did that come from? I had subconsciously established a boundary. This was progress in itself.
As I reflect on getting that first meeting under my belt, I can see there will be ongoing struggles with denial around my need for recovery. But I accept that I am here. I am not out of place. And I am going back next week. For now, that is enough. I am at the beginning of a new path. One that leads towards freedom. Just turning up was the first step. And speaking, even If just for a moment, was the next.
It turns out the start of recovery is not quite as hard as I thought it would be. Strange yes. But perfectly doable.