The word ‘selfish’ can often be one with which we have a complicated relationship. It’s not the ‘done thing’ to be selfish. In fact, one is supposed to be selfless, supposedly. But are we? There are numerous wellness experts that extol the benefits of a self-care routine, I read the articles every day, yet acknowledging my actively being selfish can still feel uncomfortable.
Isn’t being selfish, really you just being yourself? Unapologetically.
Surely that’s got to be ok. I think it is, conceptually. How I feel about it though, that’s different. Because of how I fear others might perceive me. And herein lies the crux. If we knew it was socially acceptable to put oneself first, how would we feel about being selfish?
7 months ago I undertook Seth Godin’s altMBA. The experience was everything you will read about: inspiring, life-affirming, challenging, fun, tiring, exhilarating, educational, developmental. For me it was pivotal. I’d been teetering on the brink of leaving limbo for years, never quite brave enough to confront the many truths staring me in the face. It was a brutal process as I squirmed under the spotlight of my fellow ruckus-makers’ insightful observations and lay awake most nights fearing what I knew to be true.
I entered the programme with the aim of becoming more productive. I wanted to deliver more, be a better co-worker, life partner, daughter, friend. Make those around me inspired, happy, proud, and in turn I would be happy. All very selfless. All very much on the surface. Truth was I was stuck. Me. Not my work, not my career, not everyone else around me. It was me. I was stopping myself moving forward. Why? God knows, but I was letting the perceived expectations of those around me keep me in a perpetual state of not getting on with my life. Was I even living my own life? If it wasn’t mine, whose was it?
Why didn’t I live a life that was suited to me? How did this happen? How did I get here? Life can just happen to you sometimes. The altMBA was like a huge jolt to the heart. Life can just happen, but it doesn’t have to. You can happen to it.
And so the change began, gradually. A “No” here and there, cringing as I didn’t take an opportunity to please someone. A little louder and braver in conversation, when previously I’d have held back, not wanting to hog the conversation. Conviction when being critiqued over something important to who I was, concerned less about offending. Making more time for the things and people that lifted me. Stepping away from those who didn’t, without fear of losing them. Investing in myself. Backing myself.
And people noticed. At first that was important, then later less so. Because caring if they noticed, was about them. What mattered was I felt different. Selfish yes, but more myself.
As days and weeks turned into months, the momentum built. Confidence turned into choices. And choices into decisions, ones with implications. Quite serious ones. Did I really have the courage to go through with the big scary stuff? The stuff that hurt people and changed lives. And so the ultimate dilemma. To save someone else from hurting, or to save myself? Did I have a choice? I did, and I chose me. And it was crushing, but a breakthrough. I realised that self-sacrifice will not benefit anyone in the end. And that’s the kind of behaviour that can lead you to live someone else’s life.
And so 7 months on being selfish has become part of my daily life. Just as well, as I’ve been labelled as selfish multiple times, especially as my decisions have played out. It’s a label I’m now comfortable wearing. Because yes I choose me. I can only ever choose me, and that’s actually ok. Because you can only ever choose you. You’re a person who needs to be whole and you. The world needs you to be you. A whole human who can bring their best self to whoever and whatever you show up for. Bring a bottle if you wish, but make sure you show up with your whole self.