Anyone who has made a relationship change in their life will tell you, that yes it was awful. Yes it was hard. Possibly worse, maybe not, than you thought, but really blooming tough.

What they may not say though is that while removing that plaster hurt like hell, what really gets you is the day in, day out, keeping your head up while you keep moving forward. Because much of the time it doesn’t feel like forward. It feels like dragging yourself up a steep hill, not knowing what you will find when you get to the top, a destination that most of the time seems like it isn’t getting any closer, any time soon.

It requires effort and stamina. Huge amounts of energy expended on just functioning. Finding your way through a newly-defined world, often one you created through your own choices. You wanted this didn’t you. So why are you finding it so hard? Do you even have a right to be struggling?

The questioning that plagues someone who has made a tough decision can be crippling. Playing out what ifs. What if I had stayed? What if things had worked out differently? What if I changed? What if they changed? What if we both had personality transplants? What if I stopped this incessant over-thinking and just moved on? If only.

Then there is the guilt. You carry their hurt with you as well as your own. You feel the pressure to honour your actions. I remember once being asked “Please tell me it was all worth it. Please tell me you’re happy now.” Was I? Yes and No. Happier in myself, sadder about us. How awful to break a heart, yet unable to confirm it had been worth the price tag.

The honest truth is I didn’t know if leaving was the right thing to do. I didn’t know. I just felt it was. There is a big difference between knowing and feeling. Knowing implies head, feeling implies heart.

And I still don’t know nearly two years on. But I’m still going. Digging in on the days when I feel the weight of guilt, grief, despair, loneliness, self-doubt and regret pushing down on me. Looking up, trusting my heart. Plodding on up that hill, hopeful the mount will at some point appear. Keeping on, keeping on. Because while it is hard, I will get there.