I took a break. A week off. I let myself off the hook and the world didn’t end. I turned a corner.

The past 6 weeks have been some of the hardest in a long time. Lying in the dark, tears streaming, playing everything over and over. Facing up to things. Questioning my choices. Wondering when I will ‘get there’. If ever. Realising maybe I already am. That ‘there’ is here.

Around that corner? Time speeds up, finally. And others aren’t riding at the same pace.

Many are still behind. They don’t understand. They think I’m easily influenced. I’m ‘so headstrong’. I’ve brainwashed myself. None of this can really be me.

Some are ahead though. They see a bright future and possibility. They are excited. They are rooting for me, cheering me on. They see an emerging spirit reaching for her potential.

Me? I’m dancing with fear right in the here and now. Doing the inner work. Wading through the muddy middle. Wavering often, but standing now, and on my own two feet.

All of this is my doing. No one else. My actions. My risk. My consequences. My pain. My guilt. My remorse. My hope. My fears. My future.

I may not understand my head, but I’m getting to know my heart.

I am not headstrong. I am heartstrong.